In the past, I was trying to find a solution for people who were suffering from pains wounds and heart breaks. I was trying to find answers for all my questions and other's questions as well. I was trying to help people who never asked me to do so. I felt guilty when I reached nowhere. I found it hard to express my deepest part of me . I blamed myself when I let people down . I felt bad when everything was well. I went through a dark corridors for no certain reasons.I lost my heart's voice for a good long times. I tasted fear, confusion, self doubting. I was fully unaware of what is happening out there. I was seeing people as I wanted to see them not for what they were. I was trying to draw a romantic picture for every single thing I saw. I was affording my truest me seeking something more in return not for giving purpose. In a sudden , all are vanished . I discovered that I was deceiving myself. It was all about my inner child.I couldn't deal with its voice yet I was following it blindly.I went through a great experience I never meant to have.
I loved everything and everyone around me. I loved from the bottom of my heart to the extend that my friends called me Mom! I never felt bad for being a Mom. yet after a while I felt something deep inside me was totally consumed. And for the first time in my life I decided to not shoulder such a shit anymore. I gave myself things that I was affording to others. I started to pamper myself very well, avoid everything may annoy me. I was totally using everything I have just to make me feel better. however, I never felt so!
The question why? why you still not feeling well?!
The answer was very simple, " I want this thing\person to be in my life whatever the price is" ! I couldn't surrender to the fact that No, they won't be in my life anymore. My inner child started to crumble why !! I love them, I will keep them safe, I will afford everything to keep them happy!
and here is the point, I was able to pay much more efforts than it deserved to be paid for such things. I was like a person who has a great treasure but stand still misusing it. My inner child was very selfish ,she never understood how to respect others' situations and decisions. Just all what is needed to control the events to determine who will stand and who can be released!
horrible moments have passed gradually. I have started to invest in myself more. Read more, learn more study more, pray more,but the feeling of stillness never happened to be reached!. The discomfort and unease were always there deep inside me.
Till I reach the moment I call it the mirror minute! hey you why don't you turn your mirror and instead of complaining and crumbling see who you truly are, not what you have been taught who you are!
Ouch ! how ! just Do what you feel it comes from your bottom of your heart and let everything goes to it's place. accept every action and interaction gonna happen. Release the stress that is holding you back. Believe ..Believe that you are more than what you are doing or saying! Your value is not determined by others it is just by you.
then lately, I tasted how to be calm and energetic at the same time. I discovered that I can be open and assertive. I can be cute with less sugary. It was necessary to go through dark roads and corridors, to knock the wrong doors to kiss the unhealthy atmospheres and accept them and leave them all.
I discovered that the world is in me. I needn't anything from outside. I am the shelter, I am the acceptance, I am the refusal, I am the friend and I am the enemy. I am the God and I am the evil.
these realizations helped me just to do things in a simple ways which left it unique.
In the past I was scaring from me. Now, people are scared from me because they can't measure how simple I am and how I will simply interact with them . It sounds weird yet cool.
Lets Do something Different and shine.
Be engaged with yourself first and explore the world inside.
